I had my 21st birthday on Sunday. I am so thankful for my family and friends who did everything they could to make it a great day. I was able to go out for lunch and actually enjoy the meal, although of course the ed thoughts were still present. But I did my best to ignore them. I had a goat's cheese and walnut salad, grilled sea bass with roasted vegetables for main, and finished with strawberry sorbet. I haven't eaten a 3 course meal in a long time so I was proud of myself.
Links of London friendship bracelet
Mulberry Bayswater bag Mulberry purse
On the other hand the day was bittersweet in many ways. My life is not that of a normal 21 year old. I did not go out and celebrate like other people my age. I didn't have any birthday cake. I only had half a glass of wine because anorexia thinks alcohol calories are a waste. Even being with my family for a whole day felt like a strain. I was in bed by 10pm because actually doing something with my day is exhausting for me at the moment.
I have an assessment on Thursday with the local NHS eating disorders service. I was referred with the intention of entering the day care programme. I am so determined to make the most of this opportunity; I have been struggling a lot over the last few months and I have to accept that I can't do this by myself at the moment. When I entered treatment last year I was in a very different place to now. I had only just acknowledged the presence of anorexia in my life and I was very scared. Mentally I was a total mess and I was ready to let someone else take over because I felt like I couldn't keep going any longer. But the big difference was that I didn't know whether I wanted to get better. I just knew I couldn't carry on how I was. Now I have lived with anorexia for several years and I know how little of a life that is. I've gained weight but tried to convince myself that I can have a life while maintaining a low weight, and I know now that that is not possible. I can't try to bargain with anorexia, try to compromise by not aiming for full weight restoration. That has left me more physically unwell than ever.
I can not accept this life. I have to do everything I can to free myself from anorexia's grips.
One of my biggest struggles is holding on to my motivation. When I'm thinking rationally I know that I want to recover. But when I open the fridge to prepare my meals anorexia takes over once again and I feel paralysed. I have been trying to prevent this by planning my meals in advance, but all too often I panic and end up reverting to my safe choices once again.
What do you do to make sure that you follow through on your plans in that moment when you are faced with actually eating?
PS: I don't want to give the impression that I'm a spoilt brat or anything lol..I've never had a designer bag or expensive jewellery before and I was shocked by the generosity of my family and friends with their amazing presents!! I truly appreciate it and I know how lucky I am!