21

I had my 21st birthday on Sunday. I am so thankful for my family and friends who did everything they could to make it a great day. I was able to go out for lunch and actually enjoy the meal, although of course the ed thoughts were still present. But I did my best to ignore them. I had a goat's cheese and walnut salad, grilled sea bass with roasted vegetables for main, and finished with strawberry sorbet. I haven't eaten a 3 course meal in a long time so I was proud of myself.

Links of London friendship bracelet

Mulberry Bayswater bag

Mulberry purse

Tiffany & Co. pendant

On the other hand the day was bittersweet in many ways. My life is not that of a normal 21 year old. I did not go out and celebrate like other people my age. I didn't have any birthday cake. I only had half a glass of wine because anorexia thinks alcohol calories are a waste. Even being with my family for a whole day felt like a strain. I was in bed by 10pm because actually doing something with my day is exhausting for me at the moment.

I have an assessment on Thursday with the local NHS eating disorders service. I was referred with the intention of entering the day care programme. I am so determined to make the most of this opportunity; I have been struggling a lot over the last few months and I have to accept that I can't do this by myself at the moment. When I entered treatment last year I was in a very different place to now. I had only just acknowledged the presence of anorexia in my life and I was very scared. Mentally I was a total mess and I was ready to let someone else take over because I felt like I couldn't keep going any longer. But the big difference was that I didn't know whether I wanted to get better. I just knew I couldn't carry on how I was. Now I have lived with anorexia for several years and I know how little of a life that is. I've gained weight but tried to convince myself that I can have a life while maintaining a low weight, and I know now that that is not possible. I can't try to bargain with anorexia, try to compromise by not aiming for full weight restoration. That has left me more physically unwell than ever.

I can not accept this life. I have to do everything I can to free myself from anorexia's grips.

One of my biggest struggles is holding on to my motivation. When I'm thinking rationally I know that I want to recover. But when I open the fridge to prepare my meals anorexia takes over once again and I feel paralysed. I have been trying to prevent this by planning my meals in advance, but all too often I panic and end up reverting to my safe choices once again.

What do you do to make sure that you follow through on your plans in that moment when you are faced with actually eating?

xxx

PS: I don't want to give the impression that I'm a spoilt brat or anything lol..I've never had a designer bag or expensive jewellery before and I was shocked by the generosity of my family and friends with their amazing presents!! I truly appreciate it and I know how lucky I am!

a little update

Today my Mum said to me, "are you not bored of all this yet?"

erm. what??

No Mum. I love it. I can't get enough of the constant depression, exhaustion and misery that this fucking disease has brought me.

aaaghhh I want to scream! You'd think that well over a year after I was diagnosed she might have some idea what anorexia is like. but nope, once again she can surprise me with her lack of understanding.

lol. so just needed to get that off my chest. I feel better now! I finish my term of uni this week and things haven't exactly been great. Eating-wise it has been a massive struggle. I suppose it could be a lot worse..I've tried to keep going and my weight has not suffered dramatically..literally a couple of pounds difference since I started. But at a bmi hovering around 15 I know that isn't enough. And physically I can feel that it's not enough. The social side hasn't been incredible either...as the term has gone on I've found it increasingly difficult not to isolate, particularly since meal times are such a big part of the socialising and I'm already pretty anxious at that time.

Nonetheless, I'm proud that I'm here, that I haven't given up when things got tough. I feel like academically I have caught up with what I missed. I have always been determined that I want to finish my degree, and getting to the end of this year gets me one step closer. only 2 more years to go...haha.

I'm not exactly a dedicated blogger but I do read regularly and I thought I should update so it doesn't seem so random when I comment on/follow other people's blogs!

keep fighting girlies

xxx

Some thoughts..

As I prepare to start university in 2 weeks I am finding myself experiencing really conflicting emotions. At times I am terrified..I lie in bed at night and all these worries and questions go round and round in my head. What if I can't do it? Will I be too behind in the work? How will I eat in halls? Will I end up just losing weight again? How will I make friends when I don't actually have the energy to be going out etc? What will I say if I meet people I knew before? How will I cope being away from my comfort zone, my support systems and my family?


But over the last few days I've noticed that the dread I've been feeling has started to be interspersed with moments of optimism and even, gasp, excitement! Actually this could be exactly what I need. I've been stuck in my anorexic bubble for so long that I'm now excited about being around normal people of my own age. I want to meet new people, experience real life, and see what I'm missing out on by staying in my eating disorder. And after almost a year of not really doing anything except go back and forth to appointments, I think I'm going to enjoy having something stimulating to do and I'm looking forward to having classes again.


Whatever happens over these next few months I know that I have to try.I can't go on avoiding the things that I find scary. Yes I'm absolutely terrified but if I keep opting out of life then I'm never going to experience any of the good things either. I want a life, I deserve happiness and freedom from the constraints of my eating disorder, and in order to achieve this things I choose not to act on the eating disordered thoughts.

I choose recovery.

Who am I?

I'm new to blogging and I'm not sure how much I'll post, I haven't decided how much I like the idea of putting myself out there in such a public way!

But I've been reading blogs for a while and I love how supportive and motivating the whole community is...and I feel like a bit of a stalker reading people's blogs and never actually communicating with them, so I thought I might at least start commenting etc.

The girls whose blogs I read have inspired me so much as I have another go at my recovery, and I am slowly but surely gaining some much needed weight. This is the first time I've been able to do this by myself at home, and I'm determined to keep going and really pursue a life with all the things that anorexia has taken away from me.

So in case people whose blogs I comment on are wondering who this random girl is ;), here is a selection of some (not very interesting) facts about me:

~ I am 20 and I live just outside London, UK
~ I have taken a year out of uni because of my ed, and I am supposed to be going back in January (>>>ie like 6 weeks aaaghhh). i am TERRIFIED about this but I know I have to push myself to leave the 'safety' of my ed and there will never be a 'perfect' time.
~ I have 3 dogs who I loveee :)
~ I don't think I could live without my ugg boots lol...cosy feet = happiness :)
~ One of my motivations to gain weight is so I can shop in topshop again :) haha maybe I'm shallow but topshop makes me happy!
~ I am addicted to diet coke..even though it's probably frying my brain cells :/ oops.
~ I love travelling, languages and big cities (especially London!)
~ I hateee the cold but love snow. unfortunately the ratio of snow:cold in the uk is not very favourable :(
~ I am pretty terrible at sports but I love playing and watching them anyway
~ I watch America's (not to meantion Britain's, Canada's, Australia's....!) Next Top Model religiously, despite the fact that Tyra Banks irritates the **** out of me. lol

xxx